I’m writing this while being in a bathtub, in a hotel room with a direct view to a beautiful lake, after getting a Swedish massage and spending a few hours in a spa. This is the first gift of this kind that I’ve given to my self in my entire life. I came here not only to mark the ending of the Lifebook Online program but to mark the beginning of a lifetime tradition of caring for myself and giving myself the best, the opportunity to plan my life, and the opportunity to celebrate it.
My name is Diego Rincon and this is my story.
Ever since I can remember, my life has been a constant struggle emotionally and mentally. Unfortunately, most of my oldest and clearest memories are of me hurting myself and believing that I was not enough. Not enough to have a father, not enough to make my mom proud, not enough for love, not enough for friendship, not enough for any emotional success. Getting detached from people and seeing myself as an isolated island with no connections whatsoever had been the only recipe I knew to achieve some sort greatness in my life. Since I was a kid being emotionally involved with somone, starting with my parents, resulted on a series of diminishing beliefs about myself that took me down the path of physical self-abuse until, when I was 19 years old, it escalated out of control and my first suicide attempt occured. While I was in the hospital I was threaten by the nurses to be tied down to the bed if I did "anything stupid" and din't behave, even though the only thing I could do was to puke all the bleach I had ingested. Seeing myself completely alone at the hospital without any family or friends and thinking that not even my dad cared to show up, made me conclude that no one will ever care for me the way I needed and that my feelings or whatever I was going through was only a burden for those arround me. I shut down completly that day. My feelings were bad, being emotional was wrong, and sharing with others my baggage was even worse. I turned radically and entirely to my rationality and closed my heart to any emotions that involved other people. I did it so well that I successfully got my way out of being sent to a mental hospital and having this episode classified as an “isolated incident” by the doctors who were treating me. Since that day I began to focus entirely on my intellect. I left the best relationship I've ever had with the excuse that she was “slowing me down". A few months later I was awarded a scholarship to study Electronics Engineering in Japan and left my country without looking back. Fast forwarding 6 years my life became a constant race to avoid being caught up by my feelings. I had a few failed relationships and one extremely tough break up. I started to lose the race in 2015 when my partner at the time got pregnant.
Since the moment we learned we were going to be parents, the relationship had a 180 degree turn and became a living hell and the most abusive relationship I have ever been in. She knew how much I wanted to be a father and how much I cared for my not-yet-born first son and she started to use him in every possible way to hurt me. Starting with abortion threats, which she never actually planned on doing, and shutting me off from her life and my son's. She even got to the point of telling me I was not the father only to come back to me when she found herself struggling financially. 4 years passed until I started Lifebook with a giant toll. 2 more suicide attempts and 4 or 5 serious attempts that were successfully stopped by my friends before I was able to do anything. I was finally diagnosed with depression in 2016 and began a treatment that took away from me more than I was recovering back.
Since my son’s birth I've been in a constant battle to be with my him and I’ve been through a long an tedious legal proceeding for me to get a court order that will allow me to be with my son. I missed the moment when he sat up for the first time, his first steps, his first words, his baptism, his birthdays, and so many other valuable moments from his life and it had hunted me every single day. This has taken a huge toll in all my categories. Family and friends left to the point that I only have one or two people that are part of my life. I lost total direction and control of my life. The only area that brought meaning was my career. I've always been good at what I do and I have always been proud of it. Being in front of a computer, having meetings with clients, solving issues, planning features, and finally seeing the results of my work is the only thing that helpped me see that at least I was good at one single thing. I had all this "success" and yet I was miserable because I didn’t have my son to share it with. I was even cut out of the team I was leading because I had a mental crisis and I had to go to a mental clinic after a huge fight with my then partner. I was deemed as uncapable of leading the team. It didn't even happened at work. I just called to inform I couldn't make it that day and I had to explain the situation. The only people who stood up for me were ironically our clients and not the people I saw every day.
Being in complete darkness is something that I do not wish to anyone. Absolutely no one deserves to go through something like that EVER. It doesn't matter what came to my life, any blessing, any gift, any loving and caring word, because I just couldn't see it. I couldn’t believe it. The best way I could ever explain to myself how this feels it's like having a huge black monster in front of you hugging you and holding you tight to it. The only thing you see is its dark skin while it constantly whispers in your ear and reminds you that you are not enough, that you don't deserve anything good, that you don’t matter, that you are replaceable, and that the world and everybody in it would be better off without you. It makes it even more complicated when you desperately look for someone to "save" you and you end up in toxics relationships that remind you how misserable you are, how you are a liability to them, and how they don't "want this" in their lifes.
Signing up to Lifebook was an entirely rational decision because I had locked my feelings away once again. I was absolutly sure that nothing and no one could ever help me because I was alone and I am the only one who can possibly do anything for myself. I feel interested in lifebook because I thought it would help me to get the answers to the questions I've had for so long. However, I wasn't sure whether it was worth the price or not. I had other expenses and the less I spend the better plus anything I spend in myself is just wasted money. The only thing that made me decide to join Lifebook was the idea of getting my money back. The course could had been a non-refundable $100 and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have signed up for it.
I started off slowly and I was behind by two weeks at some point but I had to finish it on time if I wanted my money back. The longer I worked in my lifebook the clealer it got. I slowly started to understand where I wanted to be, to understand that I have a lot to offer, and to accept my own worth. Jon, Missy, and the entire Lifebook community literally took me away from this monster’s arms and into the light. They took me away from it not to start a new race without looking back into what’s chasing me. They took me away from it so I can look at it, acknowledge it, and to hug him back and tell him that it doesn’t matter what, I love him and I accept him. I was able to look at this monster and realize that it is not a monster at all. It is me, my fears and my pain, my struggle and my insecurities, my doubts and my scars. That was the biggest breakthrough I had. Thanks to this process I was able to recognize my flaws, my defects, and my imperfections as a vital part of who I am and more importantly, a vital part of who I will become. I realized that It doesn’t matter how many times I redesign myself these will always be a part of me and it makes my light brighter. For the first time in forever I could look into the mirror and smile at the person standing in front of me. I could finally look and admire my body, notice how it has changed, how it looks better now, and think what I can do to take care of it. Finally I could make a mistake, apologize, and think what I can do to make it better next time instead of using it as “proof” that I’m not worth. Jon, Missy, my friends and the entire Lifebook community made me raise my head and face my own reality with dignity, love, acceptance, compassion, and hope.
I’m regaining control over my life and even though there haven’t been any substantial changes in anything that’s around me or my circumstances, there has been an incredible change within me. I’m still not physically with my son, but spiritually I’m more connected to him than ever before. Every morning before I leave to work I look at his pictures, smile, and tell him how much I love him. Everyday I look at the mirror and think how handsome I look. Everyday I look around and say thank you for everything that has come to my life. The blessings and the challenges. All together.
I don’t want to lose this momentum because I feel like I’m facing a giant representing my goals and ambitions. I feel like David in front of Goliath. I’m excited for the challenge that lies in front of me but at the same time I have no idea how to proceed. However, I’m not worried because I know that I will figure it out on the way. I just need to be constant and keep trying. I only need to take this giant down ONCE and I have my whole life to figure out how to do it. The difference is that this time I’m not running away from that “monster”. I’m rather holding hands with what is now becoming my best friend. We walk together while at the same time I clean him up and take care of him so I can remove that dark thick layer to let his light, which was hidden before, finally shine free and light not only my path but that of many others.
My life propuse is to pave the path for others so they can go even farther than me. I now understand that it all starts with me. The farther I go the farther others can go as well. Finding the way out of that darkness will serve as a how-to-guide for others to get out as well. This is just the beginning of my new life. A new life with a premise, a vision, a purpose, and a strategy.
My name is Diego Rincon and this is my story.
Ever since I can remember, my life has been a constant struggle emotionally and mentally. Unfortunately, most of my oldest and clearest memories are of me hurting myself and believing that I was not enough. Not enough to have a father, not enough to make my mom proud, not enough for love, not enough for friendship, not enough for any emotional success. Getting detached from people and seeing myself as an isolated island with no connections whatsoever had been the only recipe I knew to achieve some sort greatness in my life. Since I was a kid being emotionally involved with somone, starting with my parents, resulted on a series of diminishing beliefs about myself that took me down the path of physical self-abuse until, when I was 19 years old, it escalated out of control and my first suicide attempt occured. While I was in the hospital I was threaten by the nurses to be tied down to the bed if I did "anything stupid" and din't behave, even though the only thing I could do was to puke all the bleach I had ingested. Seeing myself completely alone at the hospital without any family or friends and thinking that not even my dad cared to show up, made me conclude that no one will ever care for me the way I needed and that my feelings or whatever I was going through was only a burden for those arround me. I shut down completly that day. My feelings were bad, being emotional was wrong, and sharing with others my baggage was even worse. I turned radically and entirely to my rationality and closed my heart to any emotions that involved other people. I did it so well that I successfully got my way out of being sent to a mental hospital and having this episode classified as an “isolated incident” by the doctors who were treating me. Since that day I began to focus entirely on my intellect. I left the best relationship I've ever had with the excuse that she was “slowing me down". A few months later I was awarded a scholarship to study Electronics Engineering in Japan and left my country without looking back. Fast forwarding 6 years my life became a constant race to avoid being caught up by my feelings. I had a few failed relationships and one extremely tough break up. I started to lose the race in 2015 when my partner at the time got pregnant.
Since the moment we learned we were going to be parents, the relationship had a 180 degree turn and became a living hell and the most abusive relationship I have ever been in. She knew how much I wanted to be a father and how much I cared for my not-yet-born first son and she started to use him in every possible way to hurt me. Starting with abortion threats, which she never actually planned on doing, and shutting me off from her life and my son's. She even got to the point of telling me I was not the father only to come back to me when she found herself struggling financially. 4 years passed until I started Lifebook with a giant toll. 2 more suicide attempts and 4 or 5 serious attempts that were successfully stopped by my friends before I was able to do anything. I was finally diagnosed with depression in 2016 and began a treatment that took away from me more than I was recovering back.
Since my son’s birth I've been in a constant battle to be with my him and I’ve been through a long an tedious legal proceeding for me to get a court order that will allow me to be with my son. I missed the moment when he sat up for the first time, his first steps, his first words, his baptism, his birthdays, and so many other valuable moments from his life and it had hunted me every single day. This has taken a huge toll in all my categories. Family and friends left to the point that I only have one or two people that are part of my life. I lost total direction and control of my life. The only area that brought meaning was my career. I've always been good at what I do and I have always been proud of it. Being in front of a computer, having meetings with clients, solving issues, planning features, and finally seeing the results of my work is the only thing that helpped me see that at least I was good at one single thing. I had all this "success" and yet I was miserable because I didn’t have my son to share it with. I was even cut out of the team I was leading because I had a mental crisis and I had to go to a mental clinic after a huge fight with my then partner. I was deemed as uncapable of leading the team. It didn't even happened at work. I just called to inform I couldn't make it that day and I had to explain the situation. The only people who stood up for me were ironically our clients and not the people I saw every day.
Being in complete darkness is something that I do not wish to anyone. Absolutely no one deserves to go through something like that EVER. It doesn't matter what came to my life, any blessing, any gift, any loving and caring word, because I just couldn't see it. I couldn’t believe it. The best way I could ever explain to myself how this feels it's like having a huge black monster in front of you hugging you and holding you tight to it. The only thing you see is its dark skin while it constantly whispers in your ear and reminds you that you are not enough, that you don't deserve anything good, that you don’t matter, that you are replaceable, and that the world and everybody in it would be better off without you. It makes it even more complicated when you desperately look for someone to "save" you and you end up in toxics relationships that remind you how misserable you are, how you are a liability to them, and how they don't "want this" in their lifes.
Signing up to Lifebook was an entirely rational decision because I had locked my feelings away once again. I was absolutly sure that nothing and no one could ever help me because I was alone and I am the only one who can possibly do anything for myself. I feel interested in lifebook because I thought it would help me to get the answers to the questions I've had for so long. However, I wasn't sure whether it was worth the price or not. I had other expenses and the less I spend the better plus anything I spend in myself is just wasted money. The only thing that made me decide to join Lifebook was the idea of getting my money back. The course could had been a non-refundable $100 and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have signed up for it.
I started off slowly and I was behind by two weeks at some point but I had to finish it on time if I wanted my money back. The longer I worked in my lifebook the clealer it got. I slowly started to understand where I wanted to be, to understand that I have a lot to offer, and to accept my own worth. Jon, Missy, and the entire Lifebook community literally took me away from this monster’s arms and into the light. They took me away from it not to start a new race without looking back into what’s chasing me. They took me away from it so I can look at it, acknowledge it, and to hug him back and tell him that it doesn’t matter what, I love him and I accept him. I was able to look at this monster and realize that it is not a monster at all. It is me, my fears and my pain, my struggle and my insecurities, my doubts and my scars. That was the biggest breakthrough I had. Thanks to this process I was able to recognize my flaws, my defects, and my imperfections as a vital part of who I am and more importantly, a vital part of who I will become. I realized that It doesn’t matter how many times I redesign myself these will always be a part of me and it makes my light brighter. For the first time in forever I could look into the mirror and smile at the person standing in front of me. I could finally look and admire my body, notice how it has changed, how it looks better now, and think what I can do to take care of it. Finally I could make a mistake, apologize, and think what I can do to make it better next time instead of using it as “proof” that I’m not worth. Jon, Missy, my friends and the entire Lifebook community made me raise my head and face my own reality with dignity, love, acceptance, compassion, and hope.
I’m regaining control over my life and even though there haven’t been any substantial changes in anything that’s around me or my circumstances, there has been an incredible change within me. I’m still not physically with my son, but spiritually I’m more connected to him than ever before. Every morning before I leave to work I look at his pictures, smile, and tell him how much I love him. Everyday I look at the mirror and think how handsome I look. Everyday I look around and say thank you for everything that has come to my life. The blessings and the challenges. All together.
I don’t want to lose this momentum because I feel like I’m facing a giant representing my goals and ambitions. I feel like David in front of Goliath. I’m excited for the challenge that lies in front of me but at the same time I have no idea how to proceed. However, I’m not worried because I know that I will figure it out on the way. I just need to be constant and keep trying. I only need to take this giant down ONCE and I have my whole life to figure out how to do it. The difference is that this time I’m not running away from that “monster”. I’m rather holding hands with what is now becoming my best friend. We walk together while at the same time I clean him up and take care of him so I can remove that dark thick layer to let his light, which was hidden before, finally shine free and light not only my path but that of many others.
My life propuse is to pave the path for others so they can go even farther than me. I now understand that it all starts with me. The farther I go the farther others can go as well. Finding the way out of that darkness will serve as a how-to-guide for others to get out as well. This is just the beginning of my new life. A new life with a premise, a vision, a purpose, and a strategy.
