Understanding Resistance
One of the things I learned along the way was the fact that spirit, soul and body influence one another and any change - positive or negative - in any one of them inevitably influences the other areas. I learned this the hard way... So when I was considering how to continue in my transformation journey, HoloBody by Mindvalley popped up and I felt like this was definitely for me.
As I was making my progress through the program, I was struggling with the fitness part of it. I actually felt there was too much of it and I wasn't enjoying it at all. Finally, I used one of the HoloBody techniques - Body talk to understand my resistance. And I was stunned by what was revealed to me.
I saw a race in which I broke my personal record 30 years ago. I was 16, and I was the regional champion for 800m crowl in my age category. But that day I came "only second" as I was competing against a future olympian who was a year younger. She, unlike me, was already on her journey to qualify for the olympics, she was home-schooled, had her own personal coach and psychologist, all the support of her family and club. I, on the other hand, was a student at a school that made it really hard for me to practise daily, no family support and I was one of 16 people who were coached by a drunkard. My weight was 45 kilograms and I am 163 cm tall - not a swimmer's body - and I knew it. My success was based on my brilliant technique in combination with endurance I gained via incredibly hard daily practice in the pool. So on that day I broke my personal record (and the club record as well) and I fulfilled my sports dream that I had worked hard to achieve for 2 years, hoping one day I would break 10 mins. I reached 9:57,7. I was over the mood, that rival just helped me racket through the race and perform my very best. Yes, her arm was faster and she beat me by 0,1 second, but I did not care. I was so thrilled with my own performance... Well, my excitement did not last too long, only the short walk across the pool to where my club was seated. I got told off by every single one of them, coaches and teammates. They all told me how come I had lost and how could I have possibly been so stupid to let her steal the gold. I was watching them all in disbelieve and I held my tongue as there was obviously nobody to share my joy with. Nobody asked how I felt or if I was sorry I had lost. All they cared about was the gold. I felt I had no longer anything in common with those people. That moment was so painful and traumatic that I disconnected myself from my athele identity. I quit swimming half a year later when the coach got too abusive and his amateur practices damaged my knee ligaments. causing my not only having to stop doing sports but shattering my dream of studying sports and becoming a PE teacher into pieces.
As I carried on working through this, I had to forgive a lot, dealing with a lot of abuse and toxic relationships that I had experienced in my 12 years of swimming with mean, harsh and abusive coaches. One by one different situations started popping up and I realized that I had opened my secret chamber that had been locked and hidden for 3 decades. I experienced 12 years of humiliation and abuse and in my subconscious mind sports, workouts and moving my body equalled trauma. It was so deeply burried in my heart that I had no idea, I forgot all about it and there was nobody in my life to remind me of it so it was safely burried down deep.
I am still processing it and I have not turned into an athlete over night but just the fact that I am capable of showing up and doing daily squats and push-ups is a miracle. I have also observed myself as a mother of two little girls that I am no longer watching their sports coaches with distrust.
This experience was neither pleasant nor easy but I know now it was exactly what I needed, an important chapter in my transformation journey.