"I no longer tell myself to settle"

Before the programme I was eager to do things more consistently. I usually banked on getting random bursts of energy so while I achieved a lot, it was never consistent. I put a calendar on my wall when isolation started during lockdown and did exercise and little goals every day but this eventually stopped when my energy dipped due to isolation. I ended up doing nothing each day, overeating, and underachieving in work. I wanted to regularly workout and eat well, and to regularly read and study. I was quite successful in working out almost every week before lockdown, but not consistent with how many times. I would cancel classes out of tiredness or fear of not having enough strength for the class. I would tell myself that I would work out at home, or study at home, but of course I wouldn't. In order to avoid sugar I had to go hard and go on keto. If I allowed myself to have carbs, I had far too many. My boss was full of negative energy and passive aggressive put-downs. Many of the people in my job were struggling because of this and some had already quit. I was letting in the negative comments where others seemed capable of leaving the energy with my boss. I was afraid to leave the job because I started to feel like I wasn't good enough for anywhere else. That I was forgetful and didn't understand things. The programme taught me that none of this was a character flaw. It was usually due to a lack of confidence and belief in myself, a lack of knowledge of how to communicate with my mind and guide it to what I want, and a simple lack of knowledge in how to work effectively. I just needed the information and more self esteem. Then I could put things in to action the right way in order to achieve my goals. Now I have learned how to form habits. To overcome my fear of not being strong enough or energetic enough for a class. I have learned that the motivation will come, but it has to find me working. I have learned to do the things I find most difficult in the morning instead of after work. That way I feel good for the rest of the day. I chase the feeling of achievement instead of the brief relief of being 'safe' at home away from the gym or my workout. I feel that I am enough so I no longer crave sugar. I am enough so I want to give my body what it needs, no more, no less - no excess. I workout every day, even if its just 100 jump rope skips, and feel good. For the first time in 20 years, I have found myself able to read books without Ritalin for my ADHD. I am not fully there yet- my mind does wander away from each page a lot without medication, but it's fantastic progress. I am more centred and believe more in myself and my capacity to take in information. I am very hopeful for my future now and feel more in line with my goals. I feel I deserve to have the career that I have always known I wanted deep down. I no longer tell myself to settle for a 9-5 job that doesn't bring me enough joy or enough of an income.